Featured

Welcome!

Hi, I’m Tom Tracey. I’m involved in a lot of things. I’m a big gamer, I follow sports and fantasy sports. I study and play poker to some degree. Most notably, I’m a Chicago White Sox subreddit moderator. I’m the White Sox power ranker for the baseball subreddit power rankings.

I have 3 all-time top 8s on the NRG series.

I’ve cashed a handful of poker tournaments and do all right when I get out to a cash game.

I’m a roller coaster fanatic and trying to get on more of them each year.

Occasionally I stream on twitch at twitch.tv/tomtracey.

I’m a recognized HubSpot Champion User and have a Rev Ops Certification from Sales Assembly.

This is my blog to share some of my thoughts and experiences with the world.

(Not) Thinking Long Term

When I was younger, about 6, I was convinced that I was going to die at 32. It made perfect sense to me at 6 years of age.

In elementary school, I felt like I was gifted without really trying. I was a straight-A student without studying. I was the annoying kid who always had his hand in the air to answer every question. I still vividly remember a day near the end of the year when most of the parents came to school to chaperone and they held a track and field day. I remember winning a lot of the events, including the footrace.

From grades 1-3, these are seemingly the only things that matter. At least that’s how I remember it. I was at the top of the class athletically and academically. To my young brain, I was so incredibly lucky to have that-so I would have to be unlucky in some other way.

Clearly, I was going to die young. 32 seemed like a fair age, which made thinking about the long term seemingly pointless. If I was dying young, who cares what I ate, what debt I put myself into, or what bad habits I would pick up? It wasn’t something that I dwelled about too much, but I did internalize it as I matured and settled into habits.

Now, it’s all so silly to me. While smarts and speed are great to have, there is so much more to life. (And so many other issues I dealt with.) I was a very awkward kid (and still am in many ways). I dealt with a whole lot of depression and undiagnosed ADHD-and all the issues that stem from those. Growing up, we certainly had money problems. I have lived far from the ideal life, although I am happy where I am right now.

I am still lucky in uncountable ways, but I am not perfect like 6-year-old me may have thought. I’ll be 35 this year, so the rumors of my 32-year-old death have certainly been exaggerated. But I’m still dealing with some of the short-sighted decisions and habits I’ve spent a lifetime developing.

Excuse or Explanation?

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 33. I just always assumed a lot of what I dealt with in my life were things everyone dealt with. I never wanted to do homework (and just straight up didn’t do it for most of my life). I struggled with doing basic things like cleaning, doing dishes, etc. I wouldn’t just put it off, I would simply just…not do it.

I had trouble focusing on anything that didn’t interest me, but if it did, I could focus on it for hours at a time. I couldn’t do anything that required a little bit of variation from my normal patterns, even just going up to put my dish in the sink if I was sitting down. And then when I eventually did get up, I would forget that dish completely.

I had this obsessive fear that I would forget details when repeating a process-to the point where I was crippled from doing it in the first place. It’s hard to describe without an example (that I don’t currently have here).

I couldn’t stick to external or self-imposed deadlines.

I have a cabinet in my house that has a bunch of my drinks in it that I will often just forget exists for months at a time.

I’ll buy food for lunches/dinners and then simply forget that I have it. Or when I do remember, sometimes I won’t have the energy/motivation to make it. Or maybe I just won’t be in the mood for it.

So with my diagnosis, a lot of things became a bit more clear to me. The real benefit of the diagnosis is that I now have self-reflection and words to describe my reasons for the things that I do (or don’t do). I have a decision making tree to trace. I think it has helped in a lot of ways, but it also gives me a conscious excuse to do or not do something I don’t want to.

For example, right now I know I have two trash bags to take out to the can outside, but I haven’t worked up the motivation to move them. I can consciously say that “yeah, my ADHD is keeping me from being motivated to do it,” and the troubling question is “Am I using it as an excuse to do something I don’t want to do?” Or am I just tracing my motivation back to its root of my ADHD?

My Neurodivergent Tax

I’m far from the first person to talk about this, but want to share my experience. Hopefully it can help others.

I first heard about something like this last year. It was probably on a Twitter thread somewhere. You end up spending more money or more time on things because what is ‘normal’ for most people takes you more energy. I don’t remember how it was phrased, but that’s what I took from it. And seeing it from someone else let me allow myself to not feel guilty about it. And this lets me be healthier or happier or both.

So, a list of things I do that contribute to my neurodivergent tax:

  • Buy bottled water to put in the fridge. I know it’s more expensive and awful for the environment, but sometimes just the act of pouring myself water and putting in ice is too much. It helps me keep drinking water instead of soda or something else unhealthy.
  • Buy pre-prepared food at the grocery store. I’ve taken to buying the prepared chicken that’s already seasoned or stuffed or whatever so I just have to throw it in the oven. It’s much more expensive than just buying chicken and doing it myself, but there’s a much better chance that I actually cook it and eat it.
  • A big tax that I pay all the time is throwing out food. Sometimes I buy too much food. Sometimes I just can’t bring myself to eat or prepare the food that I do buy. Sometimes I only have a little bit of something before I get tired of it and don’t go back to it. A lot of the time, I just plain forget about the food that I have available. I have a cabinet in our house that I used just about every day to fill up the fridge with cold drinks. At one point, I forgot about its existence for months and didn’t use it at all. It’s all just a part of me that I do my best to accept.
  • I buy a lot of pre-packaged food as well. A pre-portioned sleeve of crackers will stop me from eating a full-size sleeve of crackers as a snack. I know I can get very preoccupied by food if it is available to me, while sometimes I can forget to eat if I’m focused on a project. Pre-packaged stuff at least allows me to improve my health a bit.
  • Sometimes I got on a bit of a manic binge and can’t do anything until I buy something. It doesn’t always have to be something large, but sometimes it is a part of a hobby. Sometimes it might be a trip. Sometimes, it might just be something small to improve the house. This one is…something I need to work on. But it’s one I can also forgive myself if I fall victim to it.

I’m sure there are many more taxes that I’ll revisit later.